Letting Go
by Sarah1
Summary: A Bug's Life he said/he said/she said


[][1]

Letting Go: Larraq

By Sarah Wait

I'm not really sure when things got completely out of control. Maybe it was the minute we stepped on this frelling Leviathan. Maybe it was when the virus was released. Or maybe it was actually an entire cycle ago, when we were first sent on this impossible mission.

Whenever it happened, it did, and now we have to deal with it. I have to deal with it. I am the commander, after all. This squadron, this mission - and everything that's happened because of it - are my responsibility. My fault.

We had been limping along through the emptiest regions of space, desperately hoping we could make it to the base, yet knowing we couldn't, when the Leviathan appeared. Sanctuary. Safety. Or so we had believed. Then it became my worst nightmare. I realize that now.

But it's coming to an end. And now... now I have a chance to turn the nightmare into something different. Something better. The Captain, standing stiffly next to me at the control board, has increased our speed towards the coordinates of the Gammak Base. We will arrive soon, and this will all be over. All of it....

~~~~~

A Leviathan.

Here, in the middle of the Uncharted Territories. Near a Peacekeeper Gammak Base that no one was supposed to know existed.

Why was it here? Did the crew know about the Base, or was their location merely a coincidence? All of my questions were overshadowed by the blinking lights on the control panel of the Marauder. We were leaking Cesium fuel; we would never make it to the Base in time to deliver our dangerous cargo. We will have failed to complete our mission. Our only chance was the Leviathan.

When I hailed the ship, indicating our intention to board, there was a long moment of hesitation. Out of the ordinary, to say the least. And now is not the time for surprises, I thought. But we had no choice, so I brushed my uneasiness aside and prepared the team for arrival.

We boarded the Leviathan, exiting the Marauder and moving immediately towards the cargo doors, weapons at ready. Hassan and I were in the lead, followed closely by Thonn and Rhedd. That was all, I mused bitterly. There were no others. Not any more.

Even as the doors were opening, her voice carried clearly into the hangar. "Identify yourselves," she challenged. "Regiment. Assignment." The doors opened, revealing the Peacekeeper standing inside. My eyes swept over her and around the room, assessing the situation.

Somewhere in the far reaches of my mind, it registered that the Lieutenant was quite beautiful. The thought was immediately quelled by the more pressing matter of the pulse-rifle she held at waist-level. "Identify yourself," I ordered, tossing her words back at her as we entered the room. I briefly wondered what she was trying to pull. I outranked her - any fool could see that with a mere glance at my uniform - and she knew it. I could hear the others taking their positions as I waited impatiently for her answer.

"Lieutenant Aeryn Sun. New Star Regiment, special duty assignment." She paused. "And you."

I accepted my role in the formalities without lowering my weapon. "Larraq, Captain. And my assignment's none of your business." My brow furrowed as I studied her. This Lieutenant Sun seemed nervous. Worried, even. Suddenly I wondered why a solitary Lieutenant had been sent to greet us. That was definitely not standard procedure.

"Having some trouble with your Marauder, Captain." It wasn't a question, and it certainly wasn't friendly.

"Cesium fuel leak," I stated succinctly. "We're lucky we found you."

"You think."

I heard the defensiveness in her voice. Where was her captain? Why was she here alone? Or was she? Without lifting my gaze from her, I casually remarked, "Awful big ship for one little girl."

"Ah." She smiled smugly. "I can handle big."

I almost smiled back. Whatever the reason for sending a lone grunt to meet us, this Lieutenant had been the right choice. My reply was lost as the door behind her slowly swung open. I immediately turned my attention away from the Lieutenant, but not before noticing the swift look of concern that crossed her face, only to be concealed by the neutral mask that dropped quickly over her features.

The Captain of the ship strode confidently into the room. I straightened, a natural reaction when meeting someone of equal rank, briefly relieved that my time on this mission had not dulled the instincts instilled in me by my training. The light-haired Captain stopped, looking over my team as if evaluating us and finding us wanting. His smugness irked me, and I rolled my shoulders, shifting my hold on my gun to point directly at the new arrival. "Ease your weapon, Leftenant," the Captain ordered as he passed the woman who had greeted us.

To my surprise, Lieutenant Sun did not immediately comply. The Captain seemed surprised, as well, and repeated his order. I observed them closely as she slowly lowered her rifle. Something was not quite right here, I confirmed, my stomach clenching. Considering our mission, I could not afford mistakes or delays. I needed to take control immediately, even if the Captain didn't fully understand the situation. My nerves were already frayed, and I suddenly found myself desperately hoping they did not notice the small tremors in my gun hand as the Captain crossed the room towards me.

Once the Lieutenant's weapon was down, I respectfully lowered my own, as the Captain did not appear to be armed. That triggered another twinge of uneasiness, and consequently I gave no corresponding command to my team. "Smart move, Captain."

The Captain stopped in front of me. "What are you doing aboard my vessel, Captain?"

I tensed even more, which had seemed impossible a moment ago. Enough of this game. "Emergency situation. My team and I are on a Priority Rhedd One mission. We need your boat here to complete it. Therefore, under Article Four-One-Four Decca, I hereby assume command over it, your crew... and you." I raised my weapon again to illustrate just how serious I was.

The Captain arched an eyebrow as if offended. "Oh, I think not."

The room erupted in weapons fire. The first shot knocked the gun from my hand. I crouched, grabbing my second weapon as I tried to pinpoint the source of the attack. DRDs. The little mechanical ship's helpers, and here they were firing on a Peacekeeper Marauder team. I was almost impressed. No wonder the Captain wasn't carrying a weapon - he had his own little army.

"You need my help. I suggest you ask nicely, Captain."

Though infuriated by this power struggle, I gave in, relinquishing control of the situation to the Captain. For now. As long as they cooperated, did what was needed to enable us to finish our mission - that was all I needed from this Leviathan and its crew. There was too much at stake to risk these petty challenges developing into something more. Right now my priority was completing this mission, getting the cargo to the Gammak Base. I had lost too much already to allow myself to be derailed by this Captain and his Lieutenant.

~~~~~

We strolled casually through the Leviathan's halls as if we were on a pleasure tour, not Peacekeeper officers completing a top-priority mission. However, the underlying tension never ceased. They were showing me their prisoners, and I was following obediently, but I didn't really care. I still had the feeling that something was wrong with this entire situation.

I turned my attention to the Captain. The man's speech patterns and physical stance reflected the rank indicated by his uniform, but something still wasn't quite right. Perhaps it was the way the Lieutenant reacted to him - not necessarily insubordinate, but something told me that she didn't fully trust her superior. Normally, that would be inexcusable. Of course, after this long without regular contact with a base, teams tended to become a little lax with the formalities of the PK hierarchy. It had happened to my own team, during this last cycle, I admitted to myself. The comparison was meant to reassure me, but I was still on edge. Something about their story just didn't ring true.

"So you re-captured them out there on a New Technologies training flight." I didn't bother to conceal the doubt in my tone.

The Lieutenant answered, something I had noticed she was prone to doing. The Captain seemed content to let her speak for him. "New Tech has been experimenting with Leviathan mastery without the use of control collars."

This was new. "How are you controlling the ship without a collar?" I directed my question to the Captain, hoping to force him to answer for once.

His reply was short and tense. "Neural control on the ship's Pilot. We control him, he controls the ship."

"Yes, I'd heard they'd been working on that. But every test flight so far, they've lost the Leviathan - and the crew." I took the opportunity to challenge him, even slightly. I was either dealing with a very lucky crew, or a very smart one.

"Well, so far this test flight has gone without a hitch... 'til you came aboard, Captain." He paused, his smile cold. "Tell me, what precisely is your mission?"

I couldn't believe he was asking that. I had already told him that the mission was Priority Rhedd One; what part hadn't he understood? No wonder he usually let his Lieutenant speak for him.

Unless he was truly so presumptious that he actually believed he had the right to know. "You don't have the clearance to know anything about my mission, Captain," I responded derisively, bristling at his attitude, "but let me make it...simple for you. I've got one crate, and I've got to get it back into Peacekeeper control without delay." That was all he needed to know. It was at the same time enough, yet not too much.

"One crate."

"You see how simple it is?" I was beginning to lose my temper, but I fought to keep control. This whole operation would go so much easier if the crew simply cooperated with us, did what I asked. Easier and safer, I amended. But they don't know that, a little voice inside me chided. And I can't tell them, I echoed silently. Their frustration was warranted, though not sufficient reason to resist my orders.

"Well....you of course are welcome to travel back with us, however - "

"No no," I interrupted, near the end of my patience. "You see, you don't read me. This is urgent. I'll give *you* a set of coordinates to a base. We can be there in twenty arns."

The Lieutenant looked startled. "Twenty arns? But that would mean the base is out here in the Uncharted Territories."

Ah. So they *hadn't* known about the base. I had suspected as much. "It's a new Gammak Base. Secret. Need to know only, but since you'll be taking me there, I guess you ... need to know." I hated to reveal so much, but it looked like the only way to get the crew to cooperate. Yet by confiding in them, I let them know who had the upper hand in this situation. "And yes, it is here... in the Uncharted Territories."

After our little tour, the Captain left me alone with the Lieutenant. Officer Sun.

Aeryn.

She had taken me to the Center Chamber for something to eat, and we found ourselves lingering over the food. The earlier tension we had experienced disappeared along with the Captain. Our conversation was peppered with flirting and light teasing, and for the first time in over a cycle, I found myself starting to relax. I let go of my worries about this mission, the stress, the mental and physical exhaustion, and simply concentrated on Aeryn. At one point I even found myself laughing at something she said - I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed...

I was fascinated by her, even with just this friendly discussion. She casually deflected my questions away from her current assignment and the Captain, so I was surprised - and more than a little disappointed - when she asked about my mission.

"So you said you've been out here in the Uncharted Territories for almost a full cycle, looking for whatever that thing is in the crate."

I didn't even try to disguise the relief in my voice. "And the sooner I get it into somebody else's hands the happier I'll be." She continued to stare curiously at me, as if waiting for me to go on. I deliberately kept my tone light, wanting to lose myself in this air of normalcy that had surrounded us. I didn't want to talk about missions and death and - I just didn't. I wanted to let go of all that, go back to simply being two people getting to know each other over a plate of forgotten food cubes. "Don't ask me, 'cause I'm not going to tell you," I chided with a smile.

Her smile was dazzling, almost enough to take away the tension that had returned the second she had mentioned the crate. "Why, 'cause you'll have to kill me then?"

Her joke brought it all back. The fighting. The loss. The death. "Just stay away from it, okay?" I snapped. In an instant the mood was gone, and I knew I couldn't get it back.

A look of disappointment - maybe even hurt - flashed across her face, and I immediately regretted my harsh words. I tried to steer the discussion back to more neutral topics, and for a while, we continued to chat like nothing was wrong. But the easy, comfortable atmosphere we had enjoyed earlier was over.

~~~~~

It wasn't long before the buzz of my earpiece interrupted us. I snatched it off the table and held it to my ear, but all I could hear was static. Not good. Almost immediately the Pilot's voice floated over the comm system. "A single shot in the cargo area." Definitely not good. With a growing sense of dread, I followed Aeryn out of the room, berating myself for removing my earpiece even for a moment.

Aeryn and I met up with Hassan in the hall, then proceeded to the cargo area. We positioned ourselves around the door, ready for anything. As it swung open, Aeryn confirmed that Rhedd was down. And then she saw the crate. The open crate. She peered inside, then asked the question I had so hoped to avoid. "What is *that*? What is going on here?"

I had to look for myself. Peering into the crate only confirmed what I already knew, and I simply stated the obvious. "It's escaped."

The Captain's voice floated in from the open doorway. "*What* has escaped?"

I ignored the flurry of questions from the Captain, instead focusing on Hassan's assessment of the situation. Then Aeryn spotted Thonn in a corner, and I felt a flash of panic as she approached him. I yelled at her to stop, and that's when I knew. I would have to tell them everything. To protect them. And to protect us.

~~~~~

It didn't seem as if we had time for an informative little chat, but that's exactly what happened. I explained the nature of the virus while the serving girl explained what she had seen. Finally, we had something to focus on. The Hynerian. And so began the chase. As I directed my team out the door, I aimed one last parting shot at the Captain. In all honesty, it was aimed equally at myself. I wasn't in a position to criticize, for my prisoner was just as free as his - and infinitely more dangerous.

Almost immediately my team ran into the rest of the 'prisoners'. I was relieved that the Captain had finally seemed to understand my sense of urgency and agreed that we simply needed to find the virus. Hassan reviewed the basics so everyone knew what to expect and then I took charge, dividing the two groups into satisfactory teams. Hassan and the Delvian had comparable scientific knowledge. Thonn and the Luxan prisoner were matched, brute strength with brute strength. I decided to keep Aeryn with me, while the Captain seemed content to keep an eye on the serving girl.

As we searched, I grew more and more impressed with the competency Aeryn displayed. She was thorough, yet quick. The Captain was lucky to have her - she would no doubt prove to be an asset to any team. I was glad she was with me. And not just for professional reasons, I acknowledged.

We continued to talk as we searched, but the conversation had a decidedly different air from the lighthearted discussion we had enjoyed before. My frustration, aimed mostly at myself, was evident. Aeryn, too, was obviously unhappy with the situation.

"When you first found this thing, why didn't you kill it when you had a chance?"

"That wasn't the mission," I answered defensively. Frell, how I wished it had been. "The mission was to capture one alive. That's what my team and I've spent the better part of a cycle doing out here...or what's left of my team." I couldn't help the note of bitterness that crept into my voice. They were my team. As commanding officer, I was responsible for them. And this.

"Why would anybody want this thing alive?"

That's what I had asked myself. Repeatedly. But I am a Peacekeeper Commando, trained to act, fight, kill - and take orders. Not to question. So, I gave her the only answer I had been able to figure out. "Study it. Aim it if they can. When you release a cloud of intelligent, controlled viruses among your enemy, a few arns later their entire army's now working for you."

"All right...capturing one is clearly a suicide mission"

"No, it was a challenge." It had been, at first. That's why I had signed up for the mission in the first place. But as time went on, it had become harder and harder to hang on to that idea. Now the response was automatic, but I wondered briefly if I still considered it to be true.

"A challenge?" Aeryn's look of disbelief shot through me. "A challenge that has cost you three members of your crew!"

"Four," I corrected automatically. Leine had been killed almost as soon as we'd started, and we had picked up Rhedd as her replacement. That hadn't been a luxury later. A wave of anger washed over me, and I lashed out. I was angry at myself, not Aeryn, but I took it out on her. "And it may cost a lot more than that before we capture it again."

I hated the way she was looking at me. I wondered what she saw - an honorable Captain, doing his duty by completing his mission, no matter what the cost? Or an egotistical fool, blinded by his false bravado and sacrificing everything for his own glory? Or maybe just a very tired, self- loathing Commando who wanted nothing more than for this to all be over. I stared into her eyes, trying to lose myself in them...trying to find myself. Her gaze was filled with disgust, anger - and a tinge of regret. I suddenly realized it was like looking at a reflection of my own tortured soul. That's what she saw in my eyes.

Unable to stand it, I turned away and stalked off, briefly wondering if she'd follow.

I hoped she would.

Relief came in the form of a slimy little toad, cornered in a vent and stunned into submission by a single shot of my stasis gun. I took a moment to relish the victory - much hollower now than it had been the first time - then issued orders to my crew for containing the host. I refused to let myself relax until Hassan had the body completely in the crate, safely locked up.

As Aeryn and Hassan worked on storing the host, I worked on cleaning up the other bodies in the cargo area. They were almost done when I heard Aeryn ask Hassan, "So what happens to the Hynerian once the virus has been leeched out of him?"

Hoping to spare her Hassan's graphically scientific explanation, I cut her off even before she had finished the question. "He doesn't know this, but he's already spoken his dying words." I felt another pang of regret. Prisoner or not, this was yet another life lost to this bug. And once my mission was completed, there would be more. Many, many more.

Hassan added her own two cents, but fortunately toned it down considerably. "It's not a ... pretty process," she explained. That was an understatement, I thought cynically. Closing the crate, she left the cargo area.

I didn't turn to watch her go. I was too busy studying Red's face. I sighed, and then found myself starting to speak. I didn't know where the words were coming from; I just needed to talk to her, to confide in her. "You know, I talk about the challenge of bringing in this fugitive virus, but...numerically speaking, I'd have to say it's winning." Angrily I zipped the bag closed over the face of yet another fallen comrade. Rationally, I knew it wasn't my fault. Not directly. But everything that had happened, or was yet to happen with this mission, would be attributed to my leadership - good or bad.

I stood to find Aeryn watching me, her light eyes pensive. In them I saw sadness. Sadness for my team, sadness for what this mission had cost me. I'd lost so much in the past cycle - my self- respect, my basic decency, my ability to determine what was right and what was merely a quest for power. I found myself desperately wanting to know that something good could perhaps come from it. Maybe that desperation is what made me speak so recklessly.

"You know, this may sound funny but...you ever think about going Special Ops?"

A brief light of hope flared in her eyes, only to be replaced by something I didn't quite understand. Regret, perhaps? Doubt that she was good enough for the elite? Skepticism that I would actually follow through with a recommendation for her transfer? "Me?" she asked, disbelievingly.

Crouching so I could meet her gaze at eye-level, I pressed on, suddenly inspired by my suggestion. "I've seen you in action. What are you doing in Ustar Regiment, huh? You're being wasted there... You're wasting yourself there," I finished passionately. She could do so much for the Corps if only given the chance.

And as I said it, I realized what had been eluding me since I first stepped foot on this Leviathan. Aeryn was too good to just be a grunt on a Leviathan Tech run. That's what had been wrong with this whole situation. Lieutenant Aeryn Sun was just as smart as her Captain, just as gifted. She was his equal, or at least should have been. Not his subordinate. She would have worn the uniform well.

And I suddenly found myself hoping that if she went Special Ops, it would be with me.

Aeryn looked down, then back up again. I had to stand and walk away, suddenly nervous to meet her eyes and needing the space to gather the courage for what I was about to say.

"Plus, I...I like the idea of having you nearby."

I zipped the bag on the original host in relief, glad to have it out in the open. I had told Aeryn that I had taken this mission because it was a challenge. That was only part of the reason. The other was the promise of my own team, my own assignments, when it was successfully completed. I trusted my team with my life, of course, but every team has their shortcomings. What was left of mine was no exception. But there was something different about Aeryn, something...more. I didn't know what, exactly, but I felt the need to reach out to her, to grab hold and not let go. Or maybe just the opposite - to let go of the past cycle, to find something new to hang on to. Something different. Something worthwhile and good. As soon as the virus was delivered to the Gammak Base, my first official request would be to have her transferred to my team. I could start over. I could start letting go.

But she never answered me. She just sat there, not moving. I waited anxiously for a few moments, until it dawned on me how inappropriate my comments had been. Even if she agreed to it, she knew that proper Peacekeeper channels dictated that I have the authorization of a higher- ranking official to change her assignment - and such requests were rarely granted. She had no way of knowing that I would undoubtedly have that authorization in a matter of arns. Besides, she wouldn't just desert her current assignment and responsibilities; drop everything and run off with any battle-weary Captain she happened to come across.

Or maybe it was just this battle-weary Captain. My ego hadn't stopped to consider that one, I thought bitterly.

Attempting to salvage what little remained of my pride, I turned to leave. "Bad timing," I said with a casual shrug, even though I felt anything but casual about this woman. "Let's just get this assignment closed out, huh?" Berating myself for putting her in an impossible position as well as revealing more than I had intended, I strode out of the cargo area and stalked towards Command, determined to find the Captain and get us the frell out of here.

~~~~~

Standing here next to the Captain, I can hear Aeryn coming towards us. Funny, I've already memorized the cadence of her walk, distinguished it from the others. I'm not sure if that pleases me or not.

I hear her talking with the Pilot, but I'm not listening to what she says. I'm too busy studying her face as she moves to stand next to the Captain, trying to squash the regret that is twisting my stomach into knots. I'll wait until we get to the Base, I decide. As soon as the virus is delivered, I'll explain everything. I'll ask again - and this time, I'll do it right.

Satisfied with my decision, I return my attention to the Captain as he answers her. "I want us at that Gammak Base and that bug off my ship as fast as possible."

I can't help but nod in agreement. Finally he sees the urgency in the situation. "I couldn't agree more," I reply as I take a few steps to stand in front of the console. I can hear them whispering behind me.

After a moment I hear the Captain moving to stand directly behind me, his insolent voice hissing in my ear. "It's... a rather large galaxy, Captain. How did you ever manage to find something as tiny as a virus?"

"Perseverance," I answer, refusing to be goaded into yet another argument.

Aeryn apparently senses the same tension, as she tries to interrupt. "Larraq, about the Gammak base we're head - "

"You must be a very patient man, very methodical man..."

"I'm a good tracker." What the frell is his point? What is he trying to do? Confused, I suddenly wonder if the whispering I heard earlier was an argument. An argument about my proposition to Aeryn. That would explain this re-birth of hostility.

Then the Captain laughs, and I truly begin to worry. "Oh, I'd say a great tracker."

Before I can question his intentions, Thonn calls to me from the hall. Grateful for the interruption, I turn towards him. The look on his face makes me falter, but his words stop me in my tracks. "The Maintenance Bay? Lieutenant Hassan? She's dead - executed. The stasis gun - it's destroyed." I can sense the Captain moving behind me, but I ignore him. Another comrade lost. But how?

We all turn as the Luxan and serving girl come running into the room - I'm honestly not surprised to see that both of them are armed. The Luxan yells, "Don't move!" but I am already reaching for my gun.

I raise my weapon defensively, only to be shocked when Aeryn yells "No!" and knocks my hand away, throwing me off balance, then kicks the rifle out of Thonn's grasp just as he fires. What the frell is she doing?

Then the Delvian is there, yelling and pointing. "The Virus is still loose! I believe it's in Crichton!"

I freeze. No. It's not possible. Not again. We had it, it was over... And 'Crichton'? The Captain? As we turn to look at him, he laughs. *It* laughs. Already anticipating our next move, the smile fades from his face and he lashes out to hit Aeryn, knocking her into Thonn. I advance, only to take a stinging blow to the face. Even as I stagger backwards, the Luxan manages to hit him with his blade. The Captain - or what was the Captain - goes down and we instantly are on him, trying to subdue him.

In a moment, I realize our mistake. My mistake. We have done exactly what the virus wants. It is over, finally over - and I have lost. A tingling sensation races up my arm and spreads over my body. Before the numbness takes hold completely, I can hear the Delvian in the farthest reaches of my mind.

"Oh, no..."

And then I am forced to let go.

* * *

Letting Go: John By Kelly Hill (ceallaig@rcn.com)

"Well, I have to admit, at least you look the part." Was that admiration in Aeryn's eyes, just for a minute? I had to admit the uniform looked really good - they do say clothes make the man. "Now let's just hope you can act the part, too." So much for the swelled head I was starting to get.... "Make sure your commlink is open and you pay attention. Things may start to happen really fast, and ....

"Quit worrying, ok?" I told her. "It's going to be fine."

"I'll believe that when it's all over and we're still alive." She turned on her heel and ran out, leaving me with my thoughts. And they were pretty sorry company just then, to tell you the truth.

Rattlers....big time. Was it the uniform, or did it just get hotter in here? Damn leather....

Deep breath. C'mon, John, you can do this, I told myself. Remember when you were in high school and you got dragged into that production of "South Pacific" by Mrs. Nook and Mr. Dean? You got through that okay, and even got a standing ovation at the end. And you had to do that with plastic coconuts strapped to your chest! At least you have a cool costume this time, even if it is hot as hell. This is a play, nothing more than that....

....except there was a dren load more at stake than a couple curtain calls.

One more deep breath. You're a Peacekeeper captain - calm, cool, in control. Superior being and all that jive. Everyone else is a lesser life form, not worth getting an ulcer over. And if they get frisky, the DRDs and I have a little surprise for them, something Aeryn doesn't even know about.

I heard Aeryn over the comlink. The crew of the Marauder is on board, and already I didn't like this Captain Larraq. Calling Aeryn a 'little girl' - he was lucky she was playing a part too, or he'd have been looking for his family jewels in the next sector.

All right, time for my entrance. Head up, shoulders back, give it my best Bob Fosse / Roy Scheider spin: "It's showtime!"

Goddamn rattlers....

The doors swished open, and John Crichton disappeared. I Just hoped he'd get the chance to come back when this was all over.....

"Ease your weapon, Leftenant." Aeryn was frozen - never thought I'd live to see that reaction. Was I overdoing it? Something told me no - keep it rolling. I didn't even look in her direction. "That was an order." The pulse rifle went down and I stared into the eyes of the Peacekeepers. "What are you doing aboard my vessel?"

And they bought it, all of them. The blonde lieutenant, whose face would probably crack if she smiled. The two thugs - how the hell did guys like that get into Peacekeeper ranks, much less special ops? On the other hand, they took Crais, so there's a glitch in the software someplace, obviously. Even the Captain, that superior snot, was buying it. I figured we'll look after them for a bit, get their ship repaired and they'd be history, Then I heard: ".... therefore, under article four one four Decca, I hereby assume command over it, your crew .... and you."

Well, from where I'm standing, buddy, looks like you're in command of two things - jack and shit. And Jack just left town..... I felt a smile twitch my lips. "Oh...I think not."

And all hezmana broke loose ....

After the smoke cleared, Larraq looked a little surprised that he and his crew were still standing. News flash, hotshot - if I'd wanted you dead, you would have been. That was just to get your attention. Now we could establish a few rules, and I was going to make sure the home team had the advantage.

And speaking of attention.... As we talked, I did finally glance back at Aeryn, and she looked like she'd been poleaxed. She couldn't take her eyes off Larraq. Okay, sure, there was a knee-jerk reaction to the uniform, officer responding to captain and all that, but ... just what was going on here?

And he seemed to be pretty taken with her too. Hmmmm, I thought, that might just work to our advantage. I fought down my annoyance at the 'some enchanted evening' moment in progress and took our guests on a tour of the ship, trying to ignore the rattlers and my rising blood pressure every time I looked at Aeryn and Larraq ....

How could something that started out so well have gone into the toilet so fast? God hates me, that's what it is....

First Chiana MacGyvered a key to the crate, don't ask me how, I don't think I want to know. Okay, she's a kid, and she's been on her own for a while. She couldn't resist the idea that there might be something useful in there. I could almost have forgiven her - almost. But her tampering cost people their lives, and almost ... man, I don't want to think about that, I haven't got the energy to fight back that kind of anger now. I'd have to hunt down the little brat and strangle her.

And Rygel. Now, he should have known better .... and I should know better than to think he'd give a royal dren. They opened the Pandora's box and people started to die. And Aeryn looks at me like somehow it's all my fault.

"This is a disaster, Crichton." Oh really, you think? "It's a grave misfortune that that uniform did not fit me."

So many things I wanted to say back to her: Tell me just how you would have done it differently, Miss Tough Chick of the Universe? Like you really could have done better with an intellent virus on the loose, a bunch of hyped up Peacekeeper drones on board, and us on a dead course for a secret military base?

Or is it just that you'd rather have been a Captain so you could be on a more equal footing with Larraq?

And did you really want the answer to that, John?

I just sighed and haul Chiana with me to look for Rygel.

And I can't help but wonder now: if I hadn't been so preoccupied with Aeryn, and with keeping up the little masquerade, would I have noticed? Would I have seen anything different about Chiana, something that would have clued me in that things weren't right? If I'd noticed sooner, would the rest have happened? Damn, the 'what ifs' will kill you if you let them....

We found Rygel in a crawlspace and I had to keep on playing the Captain. They wanted the virus alive, so Rygel was safe....for now. The voice was the same - the imperious tones overlaid now with icy fear. I can't help you this time, Spanky.

Larraq took careful aim with the freezo gun, and Rygel's protests were cut off in mid-squawk. He was hauled out and I looked away for a minute to compose myself - a Peacekeeper captain would not show any emotion over the capture of a criminal. I feel a light, damp touch on the back of my neck, and things started to get sort of fuzzy.....

....then faded back in with a bang. The whole bunch of them, friends and foes, were piled on top of me like I was the football at the bowl game. Struggling out from underneath, I found every gun was pointed at me. And we're not in command anymore, we're in...how did we all get here?

Dizzy....did I hear Zhaan right? The virus was...in me? And if it wasn't anymore, where did it go? I scanned my friends' faces, looking for clues, locked eyes for a microt with Aeryn, searching, praying I wouldn't see the madness there, of all places.

Guns, lots of guns, and lots of paranoid people. What a bass-ackward universe this is - this was the calm, rational, logical way to handle this situation, being ready to blow each other to atoms if anyone twitched wrong.

Then D'Argo was talking, something about Zhaan making an antibody so we can find out where this rat bastard virus is and kill it. Let's do it, I said. Let's get this nightmare over. Please God, let me wake up from this....

"John, there is something you need to know," Zhaan whispered to me as we all headed for the apothecary. I glanced at her, saw the look on her face, and feel my stomach drop. I knew this is going to be bad - I had no idea just how bad....

"I .... what?" The words didn't register, they were just too horrible to contemplate. I knew myself better than that - virus or no virus, there was no frellin' way.....

Then I saw Hassan, slumped on the floor. I saw the caked dark blood, the glistening white bone, the gray brain matter. I saw the tool that did it .... that my hand, my body had used to do it.

Shit, I am NOT gonna be sick, not here, not now.....

Chiana's voice, edgy despite the flippancy: "Hey, lighten up! You didn't do it. Well, you did... but it wasn't really you ...." Thanks for trying, Pip. But that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Now comes the test of truth - who's real, and who's the boogieman.

First Zhaan. I held my breath as she pressed the hypo against her hand. I watched her stiffen a moment, then look back at the rest of us. Okay, she's clear, one down. She comes to my side of the room.

Now Aeryn. I took a breath to steady my hand as I injected her. Please don't let it be in her, if I somehow gave it to her.... Not a muscle twitch. "Told you," she said, and there was even a hint of humor there. Thank you, God. She joined the group beside me.

Thonn - big tough Peacekeeper looked like a scared kid as the antibody went into him. A shiver, then he starts shouting, "It's the Luxan!" The two that are left scream at each other to drop their weapons, and I just want to drop both of them....on their heads.

Now it was down to D'Argo and Larraq, my friend and my ... enemy? Too strong a word, he'd never done anything to me. But ... Aeryn ....

Off topic, John, can it right now. Take care of business.

"Eeenie....meenie...minie....D'Argo." I pressed the plunger and pray.

The big guy's eyes rolled back and I started thinking, ah, God, no.... Then he shook it off, and all hezmana broke loose again. Every weapon in the place was shooting at Larraq....and we all missed! Un-frelling-believable! And I thought the stormtroopers in STAR WARS were bad! Thonn, Aeryn, D'Argo and I took off running. We had to catch him - catch it.

Keep thinking 'it', John, it'll be easier to do what you have to when the time comes. Believe that. But part of me was praying one of the others would catch him - there was enough blood on my hands already.

Weapons fire up ahead, and I rounded a corner and skidded to a halt with D'Argo on my heels. There was Thonn, dead on the floor, and Larraq with one arm around Aeryn's neck and the other hand holding a dagger. She was strong, but he was stronger - she couldn't get away.

"Crichton, just do what you have to do!" she choked out, but I was frozen. If I fired, I might have hit Larraq, but more than likely I'd've hit her, and I couldn't risk it. And even if I didn't hit her, could I take him out before he got her with the knife....

"This Larraq guy .... he really liked you. A lot," the Virus hissed in her ear, then the world went into slow motion. I saw sharp detail of the knife cutting into her, watched the blade come out, dark with her blood. Heard my own voice, as if from a distance, screaming her name. I threw myself forward to catch her in my arms.

"God..." Laying her on the floor, the stain spreading on her tunic, my heart was pounding out of my chest. This can't be happening....

D'Argo's voice cut through the fog. "The virus can't reinfect you. GO!"

I knew he was right, and I got to my feet running. But I couldn't stop glancing back one more time at Aeryn, maybe my last sight of her alive....

Don't think that, John. Find him, stop him, nothing else matters right now. Astronaut training kicks in - one crisis at a time, prioritize.

Rounding a corner, I found Chiana with the wind knocked out of her. She gasped, "The transport hangar.... Pilot, close the outer doors..."

"No, Pilot." A plan presented itself in my head, complete in every detail, perfect. Pilot was confused by my orders, but obeyed without question. I got to a viewport, watched the spark from Moya's tail ignite the trail of cesium fuel, saw the fireball head for the Marauder. All my rage coalesced into one word as the ship exploded: "Boom...." Die, you sonofabitch....

And a small voice in the darkest part of my soul wondered just who I was talking to....

The fragments of the ship disappeared in the vacuum of space, but I kept watching for a moment, to make sure it was really gone. The skyscape before me was quiet, tranquil, the twinkling stars the only things to be seen. There was no hint of the awful fate that has just been averted.

I hit my comlink. "Zhaan, somebody - what's happening with Aeryn?"

A moment of silence that seemed to stretch into infinity, then D'Argo's voice, tight as one of the strings on his shilquin: "Come to sickbay, John - NOW."

My heart froze for a moment. He'd tell me if it was too late....wouldn't he? Don't panic yet, John, just go to her. I took a deep shuddering breath and started to run. With every footfall the plea repeated: Hold on, Aeryn, please hold on....

How long was she lying there, not moving? Microts, arns, cycles? Zhaan said it was close, and it was up to her now. So much life, so much to give, and we almost lost her....

Who was I kidding? I almost lost her, and I was still afraid it'd happen.

Hey, God, Kh'alenn, whoever's listening out there.... help her out here. Give her whatever she needs to pull through this. I'd like to ask for myself, but I won't. Don't think that'd cut much ice with anyone anyway.

I'm asking for her. She's done so much, come so far, become so much. Don't take it all away from her now. Give her the chance to keep on being more. Please.

And give me a chance, too. I guess I am asking for my sake, after all. I haven't told her so many things. We're both still sorting out our feelings, and they're still hard to talk about. She's got a lifetime of conditioning to work around, and I've got my share of baggage too, not the least of which is I'm half a universe from home. We need time to work that out. If she dies now, that can't ever happen. And even if I'm not sure of my feelings yet, I do know this much -- part of me will die with her.

Please -- for her, for me ....

A stirring on the bed, and blue eyes looked at me. "Welcome back, " I said. "You know, for a while there Zhaan wasn't too sure you were gonna make it."

"What happened to the virus?" Her voice was soft, hoarse, but the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.

"Dead." And how I didn't want to say what I had to say next. "So's Larraq."

Pain, whether from the wound or the news, flickered across her face. "He stabbed me, didn't he?" Betrayal in her voice, maybe grief.... whoa, don't go there, John.

"Yeah. You got lucky, he missed your heart."

A pause, then very low, but clear as a bell: "Closer than you think." I glanced up at her but she didn't meet my eyes, just stared at the ceiling. Well, John, looks like you didn't have to go there, she went there for you ....

Then she did look at me, with something of the old Aeryn in her voice. "What about the Peacekeeper base?"

She wanted to change the subject, lord knows I was game. "We're getting as far away from it as we can. It's still out there, we don't know why." Hardly the sort of thing you want to talk about to a sick person, but then, we were talking Aeryn here.

"So what are you doing in here, anyway?"

"Well, I, uh...." How should I answer that? I'm here because I can't think of anywhere else I want to be right now. I'm here because I've spent the last few arns scared drenless. I'm here because I need to remind myself that you're still alive, to watch the rise and fall of the blanket. I'm here because .....

I'm here because, if you die, I don't want you to die alone.

Damn, why is it when you really need words, they go and lock themselves in the john? I hadn't been so tongue-tied since I tried to ask Mary Ellen Moffat to the junior prom. I finally stammered out, "I just, uh, wanted to .... be there....."

"Thank you." She was looking straight at me now - through the stammer and the earth idiocy, she understood. A mental thanks of my own went out to the universal translator microbes.

I could feel my throat getting tight, and I couldn't look at her for a minute. I was afraid she'd read too much in my face, my eyes. I'm a coward, I couldn't let her see it yet, not even now. A flip answer: "Don't mention it."

"Why would I ever mention it?" she murmured, and I did look at her. A slight smile? Was she making a joke? She was! I gave her the faintest of grins back - I was so tired it was all I was capable of just then, but it seemed to be ok.

"Go back to sleep, you need all the rest you can get," I told her. She glanced at me once more, with that whisper of a smile, then closed her eyes. She didn't ask me to stay, just knew that I'd be there when she woke up. And I would, whenever it is.

I heard soft footsteps behind me, and a deep voice murmured, "How is she doing?" I glanced up at D'Argo - he looked almost as worried as I was. I gave him a tired smile. "Think she's going to be okay."

"Good. Would you like me to take over for a while? You need some rest, too."

"Thanks, D'Argo, but I promised I'd stay."

"I thought you might say that, so I brought something with me." I looked past him to the doorway, and there was a cot in the hall. I started to rise to help him, but he pushed me back down gently - not that it took much -- and brought it in, setting it up next to Aeryn.

"You're a lifesaver, buddy. I owe you for this, big time."

He nodded, smiling. He looked over at Aeryn, and his eyes went soft. I thought back to when they met - superior being and barbaric savage. His hand squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, and I remembered his first reaction to me - I was lucky I didn't get spaced out the nearest available airlock. How the wheels have turned....

He left as quietly as he'd come in, and I sank down onto the cot. I looked down at the metal pipe I'd been holding, the one that killed Hassan - no, I wouldn't think the other, not any more. It was time to get rid of that, time to lay that burden down. I placed the rod on the floor, like the tool that it was. It has no more significance in my life. This was not disrespect to the dead, but rather absolution for the living.

I could feel my eyes start to glaze over - that's all there is, there ain't no more. I stretched out on the cot and pillowed my head on one arm. My other hand went almost involuntarily over to gently touch Aeryn's arm - it was like I had to make sure, one more time, that this wasn't a dream.

Aeryn didn't even twitch - her sleep was deep and restful now. Peace washed over me, rinsing off the guilt, the fear and the anger, leaving me feeling, if not clean and new, at least patched and ironed. There were still a lot of things being left unsaid, but they could wait for another day. I concentrated the last conscious thoughts in my tired brain on sending healing vibes her way. It was little that I could do, but for once it was enough. For the first time in months, I could let go.[][1]

* * *

Letting Go: Aeryn

By Laura Folden (kitsah@hotmail.com)

I stretched my body, feeling tired in mind and soul. My body hurt but the pain was bearable and, in some small way, comforting. I was alive. I was alive, and I was myself. So were my comrades.

I turned my head slightly toward the man who had fallen asleep at last on the spare cot D'Argo had brought for him. John's oddly youthful face was troubled even in repose, brows furrowed. One hand was stretched out toward me.On the ground next to him was the rod he'd used to kill Hassan.

No. I corrected myself meticulously. John didn't kill Hassan. The virus did.

John killed Larraq.

I shifted a little, trying to stem the sudden flood of grief. An awful lot of grief for a man I'd known only a few arns. Perhaps I was only feeling my typical post-battle disquiet...yes, perhaps that was the cause of my restlessness. Usually a little drinking, a little gaming, maybe some exercise had always helped erase my dead comrades' faces from my mind. Wounded now, I couldn't do any of those.

The first thing I'd learned as a Peacekeeper was that if you let death get to you, you might choke in the next battle. If you choked, you deserved what you got...but if you choked, others would surely die. So you dealt with it the best you could, and you went on. You named them to yourself and let them go, knowing you might be next to be so erased and accepting that, too. Hassan. Thonn. Rhedd.

Larraq.

And the last seven arns had been exactly that--a battle, but a battle without lines, where your friend could turn out to be your enemy if you turned your back for an instant. The only thing I'd been certain of was that the virus had to die. I didn't even know whose side I was on. I'm not even certain that we won.

I wondered idly if Crichton were right--there was a sort of reunion after death with all of your friends. If so, I wonder if Larraq knows who won. I wonder if he knows...

Several Arns Earlier, Transport Hangar

I dug frantically through the pile of PeaceKeeper uniforms, hoping beyond hope that I'd find a suitable captain's jacket. I'd found one, but it didn't fit. The Peacekeepers would be here soon.

//Frell...// I thought as I reached the bottom of the barrel. Nothing...

"Do we need to have a Captain?" Crichton leaned almost casually against another storage carton, his tight voice belying his easy posture. "Couldn't we *both* be Lieutenants?"

"Don't be ridiculous," I snapped, and then instantly regretted it. Crichton didn't know. I took a quick breath to calm myself. I was edgy, ready for battle, and it was showing. "If we don't have a Captain," I explained more patiently, "then the Marauder captain outranks us, and we have to do what he says. Besides, no ship would be out in the Uncharted Territories--or anywhere else--without a ranking officer."

"Can't we modify this one?" He held up the broad Captain's jacket and examined it.

I shook my head. "No time." I fancied I could almost hear the approaching Marauder, even though it was metras away from Moya still.

Crichton exhaled heavily. "I guess that's it for my masquerade idea then. Pilot..."

"Wait." //I'm insane. This will never work. Never.// I snatched the Rhedd and black jacket from Crichton's hands and held it up against him.

His blue eyes widened. "No way."

"Can you think of a better idea? No? Well then..."

"Aeryn, I'm a *human!*"

My lips quirked up in a sardonic half-smile. "And not one single alien we've met has known you weren't a PeaceKeeper. I didn't. John, you said it yourself--get their leak repaired and they're gone in a rash."

"Flash."

"Whatever. We'll do it exactly the way we planned earlier. Just don't let the other Captain bully you. You've earned your rank and you know it. Oh, and Crichton, let me do most of the talking."

"*All* of the talking." He shook his head ruefully and starting shucking into the jacket. "I must be nuts."

"You and me both." I stepped back and looked at him thoughtfully as he did the last fastener on the Captain's jacket. "Well, I have to admit, at least you look the part. Now let's just hope you can act the part, too. Make sure your commlink is open and you pay attention. Things may start to happen really fast, and ...."

"Quit worrying, ok?" John told me. "It's going to be fine."

"I'll believe that when it's all over and we're still alive." I scooped the lieutenant's uniform into my arms and took off for the hangar at a dead run.

_Crichton stirred in his sleep, mumbling softly in his dreams. The hand extended toward me twitched, fingers curling in on themselves._

_I studied him quietly, still feeling that peculiar restlessness. He'd been here since I'd woken up, had sat with me through Zhaan's examinations, me fever and delirium. D'Argo had finally brought down the spare bed Crichton now slept on, and had offered to sit watch, but Crichton had refused to leave._

_He'd even sat with me through my fits of temper--confined to bedrest, I'd gotten bored and restless and taken it all out on him. I didn't usually give in to cursing but I'd let it all out. On John. Who deserved my anger least of all the people I knew, and endured it with the most grace._

_It was just...he looked so much like the people I'd been forced to leave behind, and was the least like them in so many ways. I'd never really believed he would pull it off, but he had. And when he'd come walking into that hangar like he'd owned the place...._

"Identify yourselves." I shouted over the noise of the transport's landing, my voice stretched thin with apprehension and a little fear. I never would've let so much slip when I was a Peacekeeper, but as my training failed me, so did my control. "Regiment. Assignment."

The tall Captain and his blonde lieutenant stalked through first, weapons trained on me. "Identify yourself." The captain said, his eyes challenging. He moved with an easy grace, alert and purposeful and wary. The other two soldiers came through next, the four of them fanning out to cover the entire bay in well-trained precision.

Five-man team plus captain, all with the highest level of training. //So they're missing two.// I kept my cannon trained on the captain.

"Lieutenant," now that's a laugh, "Aeryn Sun. New Star Regiment, special duty assignment." Yeah, right....'special duty assignment.' Irreversibly contaminated and completely lost. "And you."

The tall Captain nodded slightly. "Larraq, Captain. And my assignment's none of your business."

Frell. I knew it couldn't be that easy. Even nearing the end of her pregnancy, Moya could have smoked a damaged Marauder with ease, but Crichton had argued vehemently that they needed to find out who these Peacekeepers were and what they were doing out here. Had Crais called for reinforcements, or was there some deeper meaning to their presence?

I glanced over at the blonde Lieutenant, expecting another introduction. But the woman only hefted her gun, and I reluctanctly turned my attention back to the Captain. The very handsome captain, I realised belatedly. "Having some trouble with your Marauder, Captain."

"Cesium fuel leak. We're lucky we found you." His light green eyes were suddenly curious.

I heard the implied question and ignored it. "You think." My lips twitched into a mocking smile.

Larraq appraised me calmly, still curious. "Awful big ship for one little girl."

"Ah. I can handle big." //Bigger than you can even imagine, so don't *even* bait me...my training's going but it's not that far gone, not yet...//

The door opened behind me with a soft chime, ending the rapport between me and the handsome Captain. The commandos tensed, guns trained on the door. I kept my gun aimed at the Captain, anxiety causing my fingers to tighten on the trigger.

//I must have been crazy. Crichton's not Captain material, he's not even a soldier. They'll see right through him...//

But Crichton walked past me as if he owned the Hangar, the ship and everyone in it. Including me and the extremely handsome captain. "Ease your weapon, Leftenant," he commanded.

_I caused Larraq to doubt Crichton first, it was me. If I'd just lowered my gun, then Larraq would have seen Crichton as someone I respected and obeyed. But I hesitated. Why?_

_Because, I thought sourly, I can't admit that he could pull it off. As if, by convincing them he's a good Captain, you had to admit he was good. And you're not ready to give him that kind of power. That kind of accceptance. Because if you do..._

I sensed rather than saw Crichton's surprised glance back at me. "That is an order."

Slowly, reluctantly, I complied. Larraq's eyes flicked between me and my "Captain", observing, judging the relationship between us. He lowered his own weapon, but his commandos kept theirs armed.

"Smart move, Captain." Larraq commented softly.

I held my breath. He was challenging Crichton's authority. //Don't let him bully you, Crichton. Wear the uniform like you mean it.//

"What *are* you doing aboard my vessel, Captain?"

//Good man.// I kept my face impassive.

"Emergency situation. My team and I are on a Priority Redd One mission. We need your boat here to complete it. Therefore, under Article Four-One-Four Decca, I hereby assume command over it, your crew..." His covetous glance took me in, still standing at attention behind my Captain, "...and you." Larraq's eyebrows lifted, slightly mocking.

Crichton's blue-green eyes slid dismissively over Larraq's team. They hefted their weapons, waiting for his countermove.

"Oh," he said, so quietly I could barely even hear him, "I think not."

And all hezmana broke loose.

_Crichton won that battle, whichever way I looked at it. He'd kept Larraq off balance and convinced them he was a Captain. But even as they walked out of the transport hangar on a tour of the ship, I couldn't take my eyes off Larraq's face. At first I'd told myself I was keeping my eye on the enemy. Then I just couldn't stop following him, watching him, absorbing every motion. It had felt so good to be home, to pretend, even for those few arns, that I was a Peacekeeper again; that I wasn't losing my edge._

"You....ever fly anything sexier than a Leviathan?" Larraq's deep-set green eyes were intent on my face. I couldn't look too long without suddenly having to avert my eyes to keep from blushing. //What is the matter with me?//

"Let's see...I started flying scrubrunners at fourteen cycles, then a half-cycle later a KL-80, then an 81. And then Prowler attack school at 16." Only the best were chosen for attack school, and to be chosen so young was quite an honor.

Larraq's eyes widened slightly, then his face relaxed into a half-grin. "Sixteen? Why'd you wait so long?" He teased.

I searched his lean, tanned face for a reaction. //Trying to get a rise out of me...well... // "I had to. My feet didn't reach the pedals." I couldn't quite contain my grin. I *missed* this sort of friendly rivalry, the flirting, the subdued bragging. They both laughed, and I was lost again.

//Stop it.// I looked down, trying to focus. //You're a fugitive on an escaped Prison Transport, not a soldier. Not anymore. Get the job done.//

"Soooo...you said that you've been out here in the Uncharted Territories for almost a full cycle? Looking for whatever that thing is in the crate."

"And the sooner I get it into somebody else's hands the happier I'll be."

Not just something valuable, then, but something dangerous. Maybe the reason two of his team are dead. My eyes narrowed, studying him, asking him obliquely.

He smiled teasingly again. "Don't ask. Cause I'm not going to tell you."

"Why, because you'll have to kill me then?" Relax, talk to me...

But the grin dropped off his face like it had never existed. "Just stay away from it, okay?"

_Then we started having to put people into body bags._

_Rhedd. Hassan. Thonn. Larraq. I recited their names to myself again, trying to let them go._

_Whatever happened, I'd known that I'd lose one of them. Crichton. Or Larraq._

_And despite my knowledge that there wasn't really any choice at all, part of me kept insisting that the Peacekeepers on that Gammak base wouldn't know anything about me. I could go home. With Larraq. Resume my life, serve under the best Captain I'd ever seen in all my cycles as a soldier._

_Of course they'd discover the truth soon enough, and sentence me to die the Living Death, my body betraying my mind inch by slow inch, and finally my mind going, too. But I was so hungry for that life that I almost didn't care._

_If I stayed with Crichton, I'd never get another chance to go home again, even for a little while. I would just get more and more lost, watching the others leave one by one. Crichton would leave too—he'd find a way home, somehow._

_Earth. I'd sworn I'd never go there again. Ever. And then…when he'd finally left…I would be alone._

_So I left John and followed Larraq._

_Left John to Chiana and the Virus._

"Well, I think that under the circumstances our little masquerade is over." John half-sighed, staring at me, the dead Peacekeeper and the partially open crate by turns. Chiana was unusually silent, but I never paid much attention to Chiana before and wasn't about to start now.

I felt breathless, edgy, lost. The Peacekeepers and Larraq had just left at a run and I itched to follow him. //Them.// I corrected myself quickly.

"Under the circumstances those soldiers are primed to shoot at anything they do not trust The only thing that is over is our chance to take them by surprise." //Yeah, surprise. Hello, Larraq, I'm a traitor.// "This is a disaster, Crichton. It is a grave misfortune that that uniform did not fit me." I sneered, flicked a quick contemptuous glance at his uniform and ran after the other soldiers.

_That was John, then, not the virus. If Zhaan hadn't put it all together, those would have been the last words I ever spoke to him._

_I don't know when he stopped being John...I couldn't tell._

_That was the most terrifying thought of all, that all unwitting I'd made my choice between Crichton and Larraq and hadn't even known I'd made it._

Larraq's rangy form crouched reluctantly by Rhedd's corpse and tugged the body bag higher over his head, preparing to close it forever. I knelt by the crate that now contained only Rygel, who had spoken his last words. I'd once predicted that he'd die at the hands of a Peacekeeper.

"What are you doing in New Star Regiment, huh?" Larraq's words startled me out of my reverie. "You're being wasted there. You're wasting *yourself* there."

My mouth pressed into a thin line and I stared down at the body bags and Rygel's coffin. I'd seen too many of those--but that was what it meant to be a Peacekeeper. How many other friends would I see die at the hands of soldiers?

"Plus," Larraq continued softly, "I like the idea of having you nearby."

He shut a bag, closing off that life forever. A shiver ran up my spine, into my heart. I felt suddenly like the bag had closed over *my* head...but it had been slowly closing over me for months, really...ever since I met Crichton.

Larraq shook his head, putting his dead comrades behind him once and for all. "Bad timing. Let's just get this assignment closed out, huh?" He strode out of the room, confident that I would follow.

After a while, I could.

_I didn't know, I didn't know that it wasn't John. That the virus was talking to me, arguing with me, mocking me._

_My fingers tightened and twisted in the gold bedsheets._

_I didn't know then, or later when it was in Larraq._

"....I'm doing exactly what a Commander in my position would do." The virus whispered at me with Crichton's lips. "These commandos are not *stupid*." It hesitated, its cold blue eyes studying me. "I'm doing my part--you do yours. Get the damned information."

I stared angrily at the viewscreen, trying to subdue my instinct to shout back at him.

The virus paced toward Larraq. "It's...a rather large galaxy, Captain. How did you ever manage to find something as tiny as a virus?"

"Perseverance." The easy boasting manner was gone, replaced by a Peacekeeper captain at full attention. Larraq had allowed himself to relax and one of his soldiers was dead.

I sucked air in through my teeth, feeling Larraq's pain. Crichton wouldn't understand, couldn't understand what it was like to lose part of your team. It was like cutting off your own arm--you knew something was dreadfully wrong but you had to go on cutting. That was the essence of Peacekeeper duty.

"Larraq," I jumped in, trying to distract the thing I thought was Crichton, "about that Gammak Base we're head--"

"You must be a very patient man--a very *methodical* man."

I blinked. What the frell was Crichton doing...

"I'm a good tracker."

"Oh, I'd say a *great* tracker."

Then all hezmana broke loose. For the second time.

_The lightest of touches on my face startled me from my doze._

_"Sorry," John whispered, his face still puffy from sleep, "didn't mean to wake you."_

_"You didn't."_

_"How you feeling, any better?"_

_"Fine."_

_A small grin spread over his tired face. "That's my stoic. Would you like a little cheese with that wine? Really improves the personality."_

_As always, I was a little nonplussed by his offhand remarks. I'll never understand you, John. Not like I understood Larraq, not like the way I fit with him...._

Larraq held me pinned against him with incredible ease, holding both my arms in one hand. He shot Thonn--how ironic, that the Peacekeepers were taking each other out--but I managed to stop him from shooting Crichton or D'Argo.

Now I faced them across the length of corridor, just like I had so many months ago when I'd been declared irreversibly contaminated. Crichton had spoken up for me then because he hadn't wanted to see me hurt. But now all of their lives were at stake, and not just their lives but the lives of everyone in this section of the galaxy...

No more body bags. //Never again.//

"Crichton," I grated out, struggling for air, "you just do what you have to do." //I don't want to die but I'm a Peacekeeper. Sometimes you can't fly home at the end of the battle.//

"You know," the virus whispered, "this Larraq guy, he really liked you."

The knife cut down, through the uniform, into my heart. The virus threw me forward, of no more consequence than a thing, a diversion so it could get away. Like a Peacekeeper would.

John caught me, somehow. He lowered me gently to the floor, and then ran after the virus.

_I gazed up into his worried blue eyes. John's eyes. A little sad, a little tired, but completely his own. I don't know how I could ever have thought you wouldn't fit that uniform. I had it backward. It was the uniform that didn't fit *you*._

_No more body bags._

_But this choice, too, was an illusion. John would return home, so would the others. I'd known that for too long to deny it now. And I would die alone, someday, maybe someday close and maybe someday in the far distant future._

_We all die, one way or another, and knowing that I knew the only important thing was now. No, I wasn't a Peacekeeper any longer. I was just me--irreversibly contaminated, completely lost, and utterly confused. Not a lot to work with, but I was all I had._

_So I named my dead to myself--all of them, from the first creature I'd killed to my Peacekeeper comrades long since lost to space. Some were only faces, some only hunks of metal from a ship I'd destroyed, with no names or faces at all. I named them to the most recent, still so fresh in my mind._

_Rhedd. Hassan. Thonn. The virus. Larraq._

_My own past, and the future that might-have-been._

_And then, looking into John's eyes, I let them go._   


[][1]

   [1]: lettinggoAeryn.htm



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